Music

Yet another semester flew by. leaving me with only 3 left before I'll have to leave the security and carefreeness of college. This semester has been difficult - it has been educational to say the least, in many different ways, but more on that later.

One of the most noticeable changes in the semester has been my involvement in music, and that's what this post will be about.

I decided to take up piano lessons again for several reasons.
The main catalyst was when I first heard the wonderful Xak Berjken play the 2nd movement of Beethoven's Piano Concerto No.4 - although it is nowhere close to being considered one of Beethoven's most favorite movements, it has now become my favorite. Because something about the way Xak played the movement touched some part of my brain, and it made me feel. I felt sorrow, and back then I definitely did not appropriately appreciate the music we played in orchestra. So when that sting hit me, I was surprised that such simple notes can trigger such strong emotions - it didn't even have lyrics! Immediately I thought to myself that I want to be able to do that too; I want to be able to make other people feel.
So after that, one thing led to another, and after following my own advice from my last blog post (don't push off until tomorrow, do it now) I decided to practice hard over the summer and audition for lessons with Xak.

I think he did me a big favor by accepting me - I am nowhere nearly as good as his other students and definitely do not deserve all his expertise. But hey, no complaints :)
And even though I disappointed Xak in the amount of time I devoted to practicing (he expected an hour a day), I was proud of myself for practicing the amount I did with my 24 credits.

That's part one of my music involvement. I'm also now the president of my Therapy Thru Music club, and go on almost all the weekly trips. And also for the first time in my life, I started preparing and appreciating the music we were making in orchestra - I actually sat in front of a youtube video of the piece we were playing, opened up my score, and followed it as the video was playing. I enjoyed every second of it.
I am also now a fulltime chimesmaster and play in the bell tower a minimum of three concerts a week.
I also took two music classes for my minor: Tonal theory and psychology of music, and never missed a SINGLE lecture - first time in my college career; I thoroughly enjoyed and learned a lot from both classes.
For the first time in my life, I started listening music while I studied - classical music, it actually helped me concentrate, can you believe it? Any form of noise used to be the biggest distraction for my at work, but somehow, I have become immune to this.

And the combination of all those things above has taught me to appreciate music, especially classical music as I never have before. This time it was completely voluntary - all those hours I put into practicing, listening, rehearsing, were not because I wanted to shut my mom up, but because I wanted to and it helped me relax.
I remember the times when I was having a horrible day, and after 2 hours of orchestra rehearsal, I'd step out feeling a contentment that no consoling words from friends would have achieved. I probably sound like the biggest nerd right now, and that's exactly how I first felt after I stepped out of the rehearsal room feeling...fulfilled. But that became a recurring theme and eventually I've come to accept it - music is powerful.

Now don't get me wrong, I am by no means good at my instruments - and I am not saying that to be humble. I'm mediocore. I may have had the potential to be amazing, but i didn't have the training. I actually recently found out that when I was 3 my mom desperately tried to send me to professional music school but continously failed becaues I wasn't born with the "right fingers for piano" and my parents failed music ear training tests so I was "genetically disadvantaged" to becoming a talented musician (freaking Chinese systems, it was because they didn't have music training!)
Anyway, If I were given the chance to redo everything knowing what I do now, I would choose to become a professional musician - I think I could have. One of the things I would do is play for the Hollywood Studio Symphony and record movie soundtracks. That's just so cool.

Music is so emotionally powerful, at least for me -- My mom called me once and played the piano tunes she learned over the phone for me, and those simple, out of rhythm stumpy notes were enough to bring tears to my eyes - I really cound't tell you why.
I would be sitting by myself, doing just fine, but listening to a gentle song would make me so lonely and long for company...or a guy LOL pathetic. but as soon as the music ended I was quickly able to pull myself together.

But anyway, I'll wrap up before this gets any longer than it already is.
Music has always been a part of my life. I started piano when I was 4 and have been involved in some kind of music constantly since then. But not until this past semester have I been able to feel it. It is so significant and satisfying that I don't know how i could have lived and wasted all these valuable years of my life not knowing what I do now.

Oh, and Merry Christmas! :)

Treasuring moments

I came home from an unforgettable Austin trip to a refurbished home and a big surprise - a piano.
Since I'm a poor little girl, the piano wasn't new (which I don't mind at all), and like all used things, it came with a story. Let me tell you the story of my new old piano:

A few weeks ago I went with my mom to check out a piano that was for sale. Don, a cheery old man greeted us and as he took us upstairs to the piano, explained that it belonged to his late wife who died 3 years ago. He told us he doesn't play, and is looking to get rid all the extra furniture in the house because he was moving out to live with his kids. My mother, being clueless and Asian and completely insensitive, demands for him to take out some  piano music for me to play so she can listen to the sound of the piano.

The music obviously belonged to his wife. Being the obedient daughter like I always am (lol) I sit down and play from the old, yellowed, wrinkled sheets, and the entire time I was feeling so extremely horrible because I couldn't even begin to imagine what Don must have been feeling.

Listening to the familiar music, now being played by a random asian stranger, what was he thinking? Was he feeling pain? sadness? nostalgia? irritated that I'm intruding on a part of his memory with his wife? appreciative that I could make use of the music that has been sitting in a dusty stack for years? comfort? regret? longing?

Yeah, maybe I think too much about this kinda stuff, but on the entire way back I couldn't help wondering about Don. I wondered if he wishes he spent more time listening to his wife play the piano. I wonder if he regrets the things he couldn't do for her, or with her.

It's human nature to put things off for later (some people more than others though, i actually really don't like people like that who don't get on their stuff). My mom, for one, endlessly lectures me on the fact that i "play too much right now". She tells me that right now I should focus on school, work, career, and once I get settled then i'll have the time and freedom to have fun and enjoy life. I think her logic is wrong - we cannot, and should not have the mentality that tomorrow will always be here as backup for what we cannot accomplish today. It's too easy to get absorbed into work and fail to pay attention to other things in life. But life is short and unpredictable. If I do as my mom says, it will go something like this: "I'll work hard now and I can go to Europe (hypothetically) after i get in med school!" Then (if I get in) "I'll get through med school and go after I get in residency instead" Then "Man residency's so tiring I guess I'll wait til after I finish with everything" Then "I'll wait til my kids get older and go to college and then i'll take a real trip" etc etc.

So I think if I work so hard during the week right now, I owe it to myself to go out and enjoy myself over the weekend. instead of locking myself in and slaving over MCAT passages.

okay, well before i get too off topic, I guess what I'm trying to say is, live it up, live for now, for today.
Work hard, play hard. Treasure the little moments in life that make you happy, remember the reason behind every smile - they always will make you smile.

Lessons

Steve just kindly reminded me that it has been a while since I shared my thoughts here. And since I just woke up from a long nap and am wide awake, why not?

This summer has been passing by too fast for my own good, and I barely accomplished anything on my to-do list : Study my butt off for the MCAT, practice piano for audition next semester, practice violin for audition next semester, and get in shape. But then again, when have I ever finished everything on my to-do lists?

Although not terribly productive, the summer has been teaching me quiet a few valuable lessons.

Lesson Number One - Just go with it
Not exactly like the recent rom-com with Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler (two of my all time favs in one hilarious movie! i highly recommend it!). Sometimes life throws you in situations where you have trouble deciding what action to take. Sometimes your plans completely go down the drain and throw you off track. I personally have always liked to try to reason things out with myself - "what would be best in this situation? What SHOULD I do?". A classic battle between the brain and heart, and sometimes what seems logical isn't what you really want. Some things this summer gave me the realization that, why make yourself miserable with all the planning and thinking and reasoning? Why not just ask yourself what makes you happy and what feels right? As long as what you want to do isn't harmful or against the law or something, go right ahead with the flow and enjoy yourself. Otherwise you might just be unhappy and stressed and your hair will start falling out (speaking from personal experience...my hair significantly thinned and my hair dresser explained that it was just from all the stress during school last semester. I hope she's right)

At the end of the day all it matters is that you're happy, whatever happens happens. Just go with it.

Lesson Number Two - Friends
On the second day of summer, I had a bad break up. It was horrible, I was heart-broken for the first time in my life. I dealt with this by complaining to my amazing friends whom I have neglected in the past year while I was being too absorbed in my relationship. I was so shocked when I realized what I have been missing - they were so willing to listen, to help, to read all my complaints and to comfort me. I certainly did not deserve any of it. Ever since college I have completely lost touch with all the old friends I had in high school. I made excuses and blamed it on my extremely busy schedule (I barely had time to eat and sleep). And eventually, even my college friends started complaining that they never see me. Granted I was busy. But any little free time I had I chose to spend with the bf. I grew farther apart from my friends, especially my roommate who I used to be closest with - we don't even talk anymore. I was so stubborn at the time and thought that if they couldn't understand that I was busy and could not spend as much time with them, then it's not worth it to try.
So at the beginning of this summer, when I desperately needed them and they willingly listened, it hit me how wrong I have been to prioritize my relationship over friendships.

No matter how busy you are, how satisfied you are with your relationship is, or how lazy you get - always make time for your friends. It doesn't have to be much. Just check up on them and catch up from time to time - a facebook msg, a short lunch, coffee break. You need them, they will always be here for you, they care, and you should care back.

Lesson Number Three - Stress
I had the misconception that being busy, tired, and stressed come as a package deal.
Second semester sophmore year was literally hell for me. I once again overestimated my capabilities and overloaded myself with activities - research, orchestra, Therapy thru music, Study group leader, Chimes competition, APO, boyfriend, work, and 22 credits.
So no, I didn't get sleep, or meals, or time for myself.
I was constantly in a bad mood, constantly tired, hungry, caffeinated, and stressed. oh and my hair shed majorly :(
But that aside...sometime in the last few weeks, it just hit me that:
While being busy and tired is inevitable, stress is completely avoidable. Stress is a mentality - you keep thinking about how much you have to do and how little time you have. You start thinking about how life sucks in general and BAM, you're stressed. I had the wrong attitude: instead of giving myself motivation and telling myself that I can get through it, I chose to be pessimistic and feel bad for myself. Really, life is hard enough without the stress. We shouldn't be adding more weight to our burdens.

Lighten up, smile, everything's going to be okay. Stress ain't gon help.

Lesson Number Four - Hard work
This isn't really a summer lesson but I thought i'd just throw it in here.
Last semester I competed for the Cornell Chimesmaster. For those who don't know what that is. Cornell has a very tall clocktower, on top of which there is a 21-key clavier that can be played to make music on bells for the entire campus to hear. Only "chimesmasters" are allowed to play.
it's like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mv_YEa5pugI&feature=related
Ever since I heard the chimes being played for the first time, I knew I wanted to do it. I was not able to compete freshman year because during the spring semester I was involved in another activity that I must not speak of which required a lot of my time. I regret wasting a year. But anyway.
This past semester I signed up for the competition - it is a 10 week process. Yeah, very long. most of which requires me to play actual, full concerts under the guidance of a current chimesmaster.
I could safely say that, I never wanted anything this bad in my entire life. For this reason, I worked hard for it. Hardest I've ever worked. Every day whenever there is a slight space in my schedule, I would run to the tower and practice. Toward the end of the competition, I lived in there. I practiced for hours a day. Some days I would leave my dorm at 7AM in the morning and not get back until past midnight. it was really a hell semester.
But anyway. When that final week of the competition came, I was really, really stressed. I had a chimes concert Wednesday night, an orgo prelim thursday night, and another chimes concert Friday morning (My last competition concert). I did not sleep for 3 days. It was hell week.
Friday morning, after my last concert, I climbed up to the top of the tower and looked out at the beautiful Ithaca, and felt like crying - I was going to be very, very disappointed and sad if I didn't make it because I have never tried harder for anything else. It him me that I spent countless hours in that tower and it was all in vain if I didn't make it. It was the first time I wanted something so intensely.
So when I got the "congratulations" phone call that night, I screamed and jumped for so long that all my suitemates closed their door on me :(

But anyway, the moral of the story is: If you truly want something, and you put in your all for it. hard work REALLY does pay off.

I know we all grew up hearing this, but this was my first time actually experiencing it. I am now a believer.

P.S. Really sorry for such a long post!

Am I asking for too much?

I was reading some stuff that made me want to make a list of what I want in a guy - lame, I know, I have nothing better to do right now, haha.
So here it is - courtesy of the ex.

I want someone who…

-         1) Willingly/actively helps me pack up when I have to move out (as in no bitching and complaining all night long and for a whole week after) - it could be fun, if you have the right attitude.

-         2) Tells me to go to sleep when it’s too late at night because he cares about my physical well-being (instead of just crashing himself  and completely forgetting about me)

-        3)  Understands that some days – such as Valentine’s, anniversaries, and last day before we don't see each other for a long long time – have very special meanings and actively tries to plan something special to make his girlfriend feel loved. (instead of complaining that she expects too much)

-        4)  Appreciates the sweet little things I do, and try to do something back…little things make girls happiest! (Instead of saying that he’s a “dude” and doesn’t do stuff like that)

-        5)  Does not neglect his girlfriend when he is with his group of friends (Maybe if you explain the rules, your gf will enjoy watching basketball too, don’t just ignore her and assume she doesn’t care)
6) Tries to be friendly when he’s with my friends. No one likes the weirdo who sits in the corner and sulks.

       7) Wants to take me to places, show me around, be a man and think of things to do instead of “Let’s sit in bed and watch tv shows every freaking second of our lives”. I’m the girl I shouldn’t have to come up with all the ideas and plan EVERYTHING that we do. YOU BE A MAN AND DO THE RIGHT THING.

-         8)  Lasts longer than 5 minutes

Okay thanks.

Jumping on the Bandwagon

Hiya!

I'm pretty excited right now - I've never done anything like this before. All my life I've been putting things like this in girly little diaries. Most of them have locks on them too (to keep my mom out). I lost all the keys/combos so I guess there goes the part of my life that I will never get to remember. I guess I'm a pretty private person - I don't like to flaunt my personal business publicly (facebook), also probably because I'm very bad at writing and I don't want people to judge. hah.

Anyhoooo, I've been converted - by my friend Kevin - into a blogger. I guess it doesn't hurt to let the world know a piece of my life. And by world I mean close friends that I remember to give the link to, hehe. So here I go! Hopefully I don't forget this URL so 50 years down the line I would still be able to revisit this exciting chapter of my life :)