A Subconsious Fear

I had a dream that shook me last night.

If you asked me before today, whether I've ever had nightmares, I would have told you not that I remember.

An old friend was in it (Steve). I was walking with him and others down a windy, mountainous road in pitch blackness, when suddenly, we saw an explosion - a flash of yellow and subsequent smoky cloud, behind the moutain ranges off to the distance.

The responsible plane flew onward. The sound was muffled. We paused, looked at each other, not knowing what to do.

Next thing we knew, half a dozen more planes zoomed toward us. As they approached overhead we saw black objects being dropped from them. We stood there, glued to the ground, at a loss for what to do.

"Please," I prayed, "let them drop over there, or there...anywhere but here"

They did.

Loud, shaky eruptions surrounded us, one mountain over, then behind us on the other side of our mountain.

"Whew," I thought, "I didn't die today."

Then, a black thing came. Dust enveloped us as cement chunks and debris flew into the air, blanketing over...

We dove to the ground, and that's when I woke up shivering.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everything that should be said about this election has already been said, by millions around the world, so I will not belabor it.

But, I just wanted to share, a subconcious fear, that was so profound it made its way into my deepest slumbers.

Let us stick together, and love fully.

4am self-realizations

This is either really profound and life-changing, or I'm just delirious and probably going to fail this lung test I failed to study for come Monday.

Anyway....

I don't know what it is - maybe it's because of my newly acquired knowledge of pulmonology (although let's be honest, I don't know s#&\ because I didn't study and made a "get-well" card for President Garrett instead), or maybe it's because I'm actually being exposed to the interesting side of public health research - I am gaining this even more intense intellectual curiosity to study the effect of sulfur mine inhalation on sulfur miners of Kawah Ijen (the volcano, read more about it here).

I mean, the effects can't be good. But no one in the last 100 years that I could find has studied it. There are simply not enough resources there, not enough people who care, plus it's too limited of a niche to gain any attention.

I am going to explore this possibility.

^ so that's what I felt like first, which (along with my intense investment in the "get well" card) then made me realize something about myself.

That I'm a pretty... fiery person.

What I mean is, when I'm overcome with passion for something, I really don't immediately think about the... rationale of doing it. I more think about the feasibility. Kind of like - Hmm I really care about this, ok can I actually do it? How? Will it hurt anyone/anything? Aiiii let's go!

Instead of a "Hmm hold your horses Jenny, is this worthy, should I do it?" Nah, really none of that.

I love me.



P.S. Writing this post was probably the worst idea, because
1) If you're reading this, you're probably sitting there like "Jenny I knew that wayyy long ago, fuck you for wasting 5 minutes of my life."
2) I'll probably regret this tmr. If I even remember.

But fuck it. I wanted to, I could, and it isn't going to hurt anyone or anything, so, I did.

I'm actually really proud of this. Couldn't have done it without some talented classmates (Christina and Connie though)